Joe Runs Away

16 Jun

When Joe was 13, he got mad at his mother and ran away from home … well, to the woods right behind his house. So he “ran” for about 10 seconds. Actually, he probably didn’t even run; he merely walked past a few trees and sat on a stump.

What a badass.

In the woods, there were rocks and fallen trees to climb on. Joe began messing around to pass the time . He found a vine growing on a tree and started swinging on it and pulling it apart with his hands.

Eventually, Joe had to pee. He decided it was a good time to go home.

He walked into the house and immediately went to the bathroom for relief.

The next morning, Joe woke up and went to brush his teeth. When he looked into the mirror, he was horrified. Poison ivy. Everywhere.

Oh, and you remember the part about peeing as soon as he came home? Well, I guess you can put two and two together there.

His mom did not ground Joe, or make him do extra chores. I guess she decided Mother Nature and Joe’s shitty idea were punishment enough.

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Familiar Face

15 Jun

Joe was at a local festival last summer, eating the greasy food (he may have even had fried dough), walking around to all the booths, etc. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted an old friend he hadn’t seen in years.

This guy was big. Like “The Rock” big. He’d always been that way, even in high school.

Lucky fuck.

Anyways, he was taking in a circle of other guys, and Joe saw he was eating a basket of french fries.

Joe walked up behind his long-lost friend, stuck his arm across his body, and grabbed a french fry out of the basket.

“Mmmmm, french fries,” Joe said, sticking the fresh-cut potato into his mouth.

The guy turned to see what was going on, and found Joe, smiling. The smile quickly turned to a look of sheer terror. It was not his friend.

The confused meat-head stared back at him. “Dude, what the fuck?” he asked.

Joe mumbled something inaudible, and promptly got the hell out of there.

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Wash Your Bark Out with Soap

14 Jun

Friends of mine just got a brand new puppy! He’s a jack russel-yorkie mix, and he is the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen. But of course, he’s just a puppy, so he’s going to get into a bit of trouble … nothing some training can’t fix.

I was filling Joe in on the training process the proud new owners were going through, when he cut me off.

“You know what always worked for me when I was a kid?”

“Huh?”

“You know, when I did something bad,” he continued. “My mom would wash my mouth out with soap. God I hated that; it was awful! But you know what, I never did it again.”

“Ummm okay, Joe. But you’re not a fucking dog.”

“That doesn’t matter! I bet it’d work the same way … you know what, this is a great idea!

“I’ll make two types of doggie ‘treats.’ One you give your dog when he does something good. Like if you say ‘SIT’ and he sits, well then he gets a delicious treat. But if he does something bad, like pee on the rug, he gets a soap treat. And after a few soap treats, I guarantee he’ll never do that again. Wow, this will be so easy to produce! I could have this on the shelf of Petco in a month.”

Anddddd cue the animal rights activists. Sorry, Joe, this one will never happen.

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“Parental” Gift

13 Jun

Parental Advisory

When Joe was a kid, he got his very own paper route. When he earned his first bit of pocket-money, he wanted to buy his mom and dad something nice.

Awww, little Joe was so sweet! What fucking happened?!

This was around 1995, right when Boom Boom Boom by the Outhere Brothers was really big. It was all over the radio, constantly playing on MTV, and Joe’s parents would always sing along. So Joe decided to buy them the Outhere Brothers CD.

At the store, there was two versions of the album. One had a ‘parental advisory’ sticker on it.

“Parental?” Joe thought. “That’s perfect!”

When Joe presented his parents with the gift, they acted really grateful, but they never once played the CD. Joe thought it was a bit weird because he knew they loved that Boom Boom Boom song. Plus, he’d bought it for them with his own money!

It was until a couple of years down the road that Joe learned what the parental advisory sticker really meant.

Oh, and if you’re not familiar with the Outhere Brothers, let me enlighten you. Here’s a few tracks from the album that Joe, as a child, bought for his parents: Bring that Ass Over Here; Orgasm; Golden Shower; I’ll Lick Your Pussy; and, who could forget, Fuk U in the Ass (Bend Over Mix).

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Fake Piss

12 Jun

Once in high school, Joe was in the middle of taking an hour-long midterm, and was having trouble concentrating. He thought if he had a few moments to clear his head, he’d be able to get his mind back on track and finish the test easily. He decided to pretend he needed to go to the bathroom, so he could escape the confines of the exam room.

Joe was unaware, however, that to prevent cheating, the school required someone to go with him to the bathroom. A random kid was designated to follow him in.

Joe didn’t need to use the toilet, so he stood at the urinal with his dick out … not pissing. After about 10 seconds of awkward silence, the kid in the bathroom with him asked, “Is the test hard?”

Joe didn’t hear the “test” part though, and thought he said “Is it hard?”

Even though he thought it was a weird question to ask, he responded. “No dude, I just don’t need to piss.”

Cringe.

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Shopping Cart Tracks

11 Jun

I met up with Joe and his wife for dinner last night, but when I got to the restaurant, I could only see Joe waiting there for me.

Shit, don’t tell me I am stuck alone with fucking Joe.

Luckily, Joe’s wife was just running late. Ten minutes later, she barged into the dining area.

“I hate Walmart!” she screamed, dropping her purse to the table.

“What’s wrong, dear?” Joe asked, rushing up to embrace her.

“I just wasted 45 minutes in that hell hole, trying to maneuver through the herds of people. All I needed was milk and bread! I can’t believe it took that long.”

“Well next time why don’t you just run to the mini mart on the corner?” I suggested. But she was already gone.

Lost in her own thoughts, a smile crept over her face. “I’m going to make my version of Walmart, but it’s will be so much quicker. You’ll get in and get out.”

“Oh yeah? How’s that?” Joe asked.

“Because the shopping carts will be on tracks! You go in, grab your cart, and slide it into the track. It goes all over the store, and you are forced to keep moving at a constant pace.”

“But what if you don’t know which type of cereal you want?”

“Oh, you better know! You only have a 15 second window to grab from the cereal aisle. And if you miss it, then you have to go around the track all over again. But believe me, people will love it! You’re guaranteed to get in and get out within a 10 minute window.”

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Joe in 30 Years

9 Jun

I was watching Office Space (a fucking classic), can couldn’t help but picture Joe as Tom in 30 years time. Sure, right now Joe is energetic and passionate to the point of dumb-assery, but give it 30 years in the real, and often cruel, world.

Take a look at Tom’s classic “Jump to Conclusions” invention, and tell me that’s not Joe right there.

 

What’s your favorite shitty idea from film/TV?

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